Disclosure

Today I forced my way through overcrowded Neubaugasse, where autumn flea market took place. For a while I was standing by kiosks with Lagos – fried crumpets with garlic, inhibited by the struggle of motives and feeling overflow of saliva in my mouth.

I heard from older generation that during Second World War at market places of some provincial Russian towns there were children who were standing and stared at food, hypnotized by sight of bread and potatoes. Being adult and living in one of safest place in the world, I am gazing at food too.

First of all I enjoy being hungry.

I am feeling how healthy primary instinct raises its heard in me.

Second, I can go on in Vienna only in conditions of strict economy. Before buying anything at all, I double check severe necessity of this item for survival. If I have only a few coins, I make decision in favor of less poisonous product.

Today when I happily obtained small box of baked with skin potatoes for 2 Euros in Neubaugasse, I felt wave of instant love toward elderly woman with apron at the corner of this street, who sells maroni and chips and who radiates compassion. She looked at me with sympathy and added extra portion to my box. Or I only imagined she made so? I am often in love with somebody from the first sight. It is why I always feel scared to look at them again.

In the middle of the street there was book market, and my attention was caught by collection of nudity photo books. One placed at the top of others was: “Shaved beauties” with natural photos of A4 size exposing models indoors and outdoors. There were seductively smiling young girls of 18-20 years old with shaved pubic hair. Girls demonstrated different perspectives of vaginal lips and also mucous membranes between lips and between buttocks. Photos were not tasteless and being exposed in Fotocommunity (internet portal for Austrian and German hobby photographer where I am registered), would attract attention and praise, that other photos of higher quality and not connected with nudity, can never do.

I noticed that one man was swirling around with impatience and then immediately grabbed this album. He was older than 50, shabby looking, with dim eyes of creature whose natural desires were suppressed by regulations of society.

Suddenly it struck me why men – all of them -would get excited by gynecological panoramas of vaginal lips. They are excited by paradox combination of innocence and depravity exposed together and by direct disclosure of privacy simulating disclosure of secret wish. They are sexually aroused by fundamental image, exploited by erotic photography: so young, and so spoiled.

Probably they don’t realize they see in shaved vaginal lips and open girl’s crotch themselves! There own unfulfilled wishes, dissatisfactions and complexes, reflected in mirror of erotic. There own doubles look back at them from glossy pages of erotic journals.

They see sex appeal. I see abused innocence. Innocence is the only true quality all these young seemingly available girls have. Youth is manifestation of innocence by itself. Idea of sex and lust for copulation was brought in photos by male photographers.

It is interesting that even pedophiles attain certain sexual wishes to 10-12 years old girls.

May be it is difficult idea to accept that not only 12 or 18 years old nude model can be innocent;

Even 45-years old nude model can be completely innocent.

What does it mean to be innocent? It means to be free of desire to copulate or to have any body contact with occasional men, including nudity photographers.

It means to have motives that are not connected with sexuality in any activity, even if it is

prostitution or pornography.

And only innocence can be sold. ?

“People now are too practical. All they think about is earning money and then sleeping with a girl for free, and then earning more money” Wei Hui, author of bestseller “Shanghai baby”

Once upon time being enterprising Moscow reporter I would write sketches for rubric ” journalist changes profession”. It is vital to know intimately what you are writing about. Not only spending time together with certain people, but also looking at the world with their eyes.

Perhaps my psychological interest to call girls was always one degree too high. Overpassing common prejudice, this interest made my private interview encounters suspicious about real motives of my curiosity, sometimes they would stop confide and ask: “Why you are so much about whores, are you so yourself?” To what I could reply: What does it mean to be prostitute or not to be one? We must agree about terms we use for certain behavior and life mode, we also must compromise about border which separates prostitution and other seemingly “honest” or “clean” activities in real life situations.

Generally speaking, prostitute is person (man or woman) who tends to get reward for certain body manipulations and also for sex or erotic appeal, that can be expressed orally or by body exposure. And it is here when question of border arises. Where erotic that will be rewarded starts and ends? Is it eye-contact? Is it sound of voice? Is it touching personal story that was narrated to you? There are no stable definitions of reward either. Is it jester of fondness like bunch of roses? Or is it banknote to buy these roses? Is it favor like any assistance in job promotion?

Talking to men about their private experiences with brothel call girls I tried not so much collect facts about common features of profession, but to investigate attitude of men toward subject. Those who talked to me could not suspect that object of my interest were not salable women first of all, but themselves - those who used services of salable women. It was crucial how they saw the point.

First of all I discovered that male’s point of view differed from my own, and from point of view women normally have. Gender mentality differences can be decisive. Very often males attained to women their own gender motives. When person describes certain picture or gives judgment, he does not realize he describes himself. All we see is subjective! And it gives complete unchangeable illusion of being objective!

To be continued

Portrait is always the sort of intimacy between photographer and model, even if it is spontaneous street or public portrait. With intuitive wisdom photographer tries to reveal most prominent features of model’s character, if possible. Normally 20-30 attempts give one interesting snapshot, and 50 provide sufficient material for normal characteristic portrait.

Fast street portraits look inexpressive and dim, when author has no time to make two-three additional shots. Photographer also becomes very close to model when processing photos at big screen and struggling with inevitable blemishes of skin, which can tell a lot about habits and character of individual.

All personal history of victories, losses, frustrations and joy is recorded in wrinkles and insignificant red spots or pores of face.

Face is complex, tens of small mimic muscles compose picture, some of these muscles managed by most frequent and prolong emotions become immovable with time, froze in expression of bitterness, sarcasm, surprise or carelessness. During last year I exercised photographing public persons and politicians, firstly because I felt genuine interest to them, and secondly because –anybody obtaining fame, power, money, success and publicity, loses right to be yourself or private, and similar to salable bar women- becomes available – during public meetings or election campaigns –for everybody including professional and hobby photographers.

These are some characters I photographed.

Franz Voves. After seeing numerous portraits of Landeshauptmann in local Graz newspapers I was surprised to find him more appealing than his photos. He looked heavy-eyed at his portraits. And in life he was more as cowboy, who probably could be even inventive in bed with his sex-partner. When I clicked with my camera too often and intensive in front of him, he looked down with indignation at my shoes that were cheap and old. He always wares excellent (and perhaps expensive) pair himself.

Alfred Gusenbauer. He gave me idea of being strange. There are certain psychological types whose outer appearance and mimic don’t correspond to their feelings. May be they get used to ware social mask that has chronicle irrelevance with inner life. I could recollect that being in Graz during election campaign, Alfred behaved like mass culture star, and all his smiles and grimaces at the verge of clown escapades looked tense, when in a split of second after demonstrating his wide smile to public, he turned to be serious, and even grave talking privately to Voves.

Wolfgang Schüssel. He looked profound and respectable. And I could realize he spoke well, because indicator of speech clarity and literacy is degree of being understood by foreigners. Clear thoughts produce well articulated speech. That was Wolfgang. But when he sang hymn in the circle of his fans all of them waving Austrian flags, he opened mouth without knowing words and it was very noticeable with 70-210mm lenses. When I worked over his portrait smoothing details I gathered that man with such type of skin can be irritable and hot-tempered sometimes, and also slept bad and got sudden loss of appetite because of moods.

Jörg Haider. He looked good, better than anybody else. Except of the fact that his skin was over burned at that time – by sun or in solarium, and resembled skin of grilled chicken.

Ernest Kaltenegger. He never looked straight in lenses, and as a result gave impression of being not at ease. Numerous portraits of him I made all depicted bottled personality, who on some reasons did not want or could not completely open yourself. He had well shaped head and massive back of the head that he mostly demonstrated to my camera.

Siegfried Nagl. Good-looking dark-haired relatively young man with lovely brown eyes. Has wonderful straight nose. Depicted by many photographers. According to his social position has the air of authority, and consequently almost never looks genuine and original.

[singlepic=50,100,75,,left]Wolfgang Kasic. Don’t know him personally. But manner he moves and talks gives presumption of intellectual flexibility undamaged that is not so widespread phenomenon in local parliament. Though Wolfgang’s voice during parliament debates could be half-tune lower to make it solid. Once being photographed in Landhaus gallery by me - he gave me absolutely sincere smile.

Technorati Tags: Street photography, photojournalism, Galina Toktalieva

I anticipated how I would visit regular monthly meeting of local Fotocommunity, because it could be novelty since my 2-month stay in Vienna. To meet those engaged as me in photography - that is great! And as usual expectations and reality didn’t match and left me in state of bewilderment and frustration. Looking around in dim bar, I could not realize why all these people meet together at the first place, with all my intuitive insights I could not sense real grounds for struggling through time schedule and then dying from boredom here. Personally for me there was no sufficient informative or emotional exchange that makes communication satisfying. I am also sensitive about people’s aura and energetic vibrations they send to others.

Living in mega polis has its dark sides. Unfortunately many inhabitants of big cities give impression of being dull, reserved and self-important. When you look at them directly they immediately look aside, as if they are afraid to meet your eyes. You can exercise simple experiment - going along one of Vienna streets- look in eyes of every stranger that goes your way. When I do that they avert their eyes at once. And only if I ware short skirt and move along Burggasse or Nuebaugürtel, where many bars with profi or semi-profi butterflies situated - men demonstrate steadiness of glance that is often followed by attempts to talk.

Coming back to local Fotocommunity group meeting, I dare say disappointments often signalize expectations are not adequate to reality. I realized again with great sadness that every of us is an island, hopelessly separated by ocean from others. There is no bridge and never will be! We see only fruits that planted at our own soil - completely blind about anything else.

And it is common problem of humankind. We have blinders at eyes, like horses by Stephansdom, who are programmed to go only one way convenient for their coachman. We are not only blind, we are lazy and unwilling to step aside, to see alternatives!

When I introduced myself:”Hello, I am Galina”, they shook my hand and replied listlessly: “Hi, Kalina! Where are you from?”, and then came back to their beer, I knew I wasted time to find persons holding similar views here. And what about sexuality, I truly believe there is no special difference between lifeless sex and lifeless handshake, lifeless talk an lifeless coitus… All languid manifestations including dim glance, long talks about non-relevant subjects, lack of activity and suppressed movements reveal reduced energy potentiality and give you instant true picture what boring dull unhealthy sex with such person could be.

Only one consideration somehow reconciliated me with reality. Whenever I visit such type of meetings, young amateurs who think I have distant relation to photography can not help directing there camera at me, perhaps finding that type of content in my appearance that makes shooting interesting - and what I constantly search and often don’t find in others.

How I came to photography? And why I came so late?

Probably if I didn’t move to Austria from Moscow six years ago, I would never start photograph seriously. Of course, I always had affinities for visual arts, and being a child drew and painted a lot, and also liked geometry, being at the top of class, but nevertheless always stayed writing journalist in my adult Moscow life. When I found myself in emigration, that was connected with certain isolation and language restrictions - I realized that making photos was almost only available way to express myself. Also because I moved to Austria as female, not as professional - I found out that this feminine role suppressed very much my natural intellectual and creative abilities, which I wanted to develop. I tried to overpass image of female for pleasure - vagina without soul and brains - that is asserted with every woman “imported” from East to West, does not matter how intelligent, old, young pretty or not, she is. I came to Austria and stayed in Graz without knowing German, with visa that didn’t give right to work and relying on relationship with local man that was over in a few months…

There are no limitations to what humans can do, as long as they don’t create these limitations themselves in their mind.

After two years of destiny zigzags I start again with my diary. Why people write diaries at all? Who reads these Internet diaries? When you give birth to your blog you must re conciliate with idea that probably nobody will read it, and as author you will not be understood or rewarded. You need writing for yourself first of all. It helps to realize.

Where do I go? Why life could be so hard? What is love? And if we create our world ourselves, why it could not be better?

Why I make photos? What is photography? How to photograph people? How to advance in photography? How to earn your living with photography? How to earn your living with photography in big city where you are stranger and don’t know anybody? How to earn your living with photography in big city where you are stranger and when you have no regular work and income? How to do all this when you are female?

And many other questions that till now stay without answers and must be asked again and again. Don’t exclaim: it is impossible! Come with me and look how it is.

I miss Graz, where I had spent more than five years of my - hard and unforgettable life. I miss Graz beggars. It is difficult to count how many beggary-marginality-homeless-alcoholics shots I made there. Thanks to Styria and its inhabitants, I opened totally new world for myself. But…There were also many incidents with chauvinistic approach.

Galina tried to attract attention of authorities, but without success, to this subject, she tried to attract attention not only to phenomenon, but also to myself, who was busy with beggars. After sending numerous emails to organizations and local newspapers, I received only one warm and friendly reply from editor of “Megaphon” dealing with emigration issues. How many hours of work over beggary collections were lost, I could not not only organize publication of photos but I were often to pay small sums of money to beggars to get there permission to shoot. And I existed in conditions of being without work permit myself!

All this about question of being amateur or professional. Whenever I expressed desire to promote photo or sell it, I met skepticism and resistance of people who were convinced that photography is not serious activity at all and can be handled by anybody with cellphone. They advised me to give camera a break and go washing floor in surrounding restaurants, or also make envelopes at home to earn some money and enjoy myself. Nobody including closest friends gave me at least one short infusion of inspiration.

It is why I continued.

Our beliefs create our reality.

Somewhere near Stephansplatz I spotted her, she was waiting for somebody nervously gazing around and tugging her bag - dark haired girl in dress with open shoulders. I knew at once what it was with her.

Private date, when person under question promised, but has not come. By sadness of girl and also by her young looks - not older than 27, I could judge she was in love. At this point I recollected the words of modern Russian writer Edward Limonov: “Those who are loved - they always leave”.

How many years she needs to realize that global emotional investments in love affairs are not justified! Chances to meet eternity in the bar or at the party are very slim, as long as you don’t search and value this eternity in yourself

After rainy humid depressing week I felt exceptionally happy to go out and shoot on sunny Friday. Main street of Vienna was crowded with people - photographer may feel relieved in this roaring multilingual crowd being like one of numerous tourists with passion for casual snapshots. In the middle of Kärtnerstrasse I caught glimpse of girl who posed for amateur photo of her average looking female friend. Exceptional beauty of blond and her manner demonstrates herself, her pose and perfect front-page smile gave idea of professional approach to appearance in general, by other words people with such exceptional looks tend to market themselves, as others market knowledge, experience and work. Why not? Everybody has something to give away to others and to sell. While girl was proceeding to pose she immediately attracted attention of two young lads, who wanted to get acquainted with her. Such girl must be always surrounded by those who expect to assert themselves as a men beside her beauty, they are like cloud of flies. Competitors come and go with primary expectation that beauty- formal structural beauty of face and figure-will belong exclusively to them - that girl will sacrifice her inborn market attitudes toward appearance for his sake. But all illusions will be smashed down, the crowd of competitors in a few years will fade down, and being older girl will realize with desperation that looks are as ephemeral as roses, and men who were read to die for mere possibility to gain her in bedroom, where are all of them? Where are all of them when she is in trouble, when tears pouring down over her faded face.