Noticeable, that if you start doing anything seriously, soon you will realize that problems of any contemporary occupation arise mostly at promotion level. If you cannot market yourself, you can do nothing. In such arts, as cinematography and photography, the more gifted you are the less chances you have to maneuver smoothly through troublesome process of advertising. Artistic talent is often about creative originality and helplessness in practical things. Contemporary society is one absurd limitless marketplace. Wherever you go, you turn to be potential buyer with whom they talk in terms of sale. Internet is paranoia store of advertising spam and initiated purchases, not mentioning already radio and TV. You cannot reach the end of your own street without being asked for money. Beggars trade you their humiliation; prostitutes trade their body orifices for temporary use. Post box exists exclusively to devour tremendous quantity of commercials and bills. You are not human; you are consumer of water, shelter, cloth, food, entertainment and even your accidental death – all is article of trade and must be paid for. In this world of sales, the first thing you know about yourself is that you are nonentity in buy-and sell hierarchy. (more…)

Terrible bang at the door came after midnight. Since it was bars area, I reached for rolling pin and
then shut open the door. Russian woman Natasha stood there together with her husband – short man with disproportional big hands. Natasha looked as child who broke vase playing football in living room and tried to postpone inexorable penalty of angered parent.
- Galya, confirm that I was with you last night, – retorted she miserably.
Looking at her companion whose hands were clenching like claws of big cancer anticipating piercing through soft flesh, I hurriedly confirmed falsehood.
I knew Natasha for a few years. Now and then, she visited me in my attic to narrate about her life of struggle with controlling and jealous husband.
Couple came to Austria from Moscow region 15 years ago. They had two children, and
man belonged to category of -imported Russian brains- being highly qualified specialist welcomed by Austrian science.
Natasha existed in situation of complete financial dependence on spouse,
what stimulated significantly her victim attitudes and brutal dominant manners of her man.
She went so far in confessions of being beaten by him regularly at least once a week.
I would suspect exaggerations, as if she would not appear with bruises. Once it was violet lantern under her eye that she tried to cover with strand of hair. (more…)

Likewise others, I attained normal Soviet school, where among other exotic subjects we studied scientific atheism. In classroom with portrait of Mongolian looking Leader and quotation:  Religion is opium for folks- teacher talked about Darwinism and astrophysics mocking over tales of holy world creation. We were busy with history of Christianity, and there was Muslim country outside – with neither veil, nor pray. For us Islam expressed itself only in pork sausages veto and mini skirts decline when elderly relatives paid visit. Already living in Austria, I realized that many non-religious inspiration authors had Christianity based world outlook. Nevertheless, even in most disastrous moments of life when visiting church, I could never cross myself. Childhood images of horned devils with long-handled spoons cooking sinners in big container circulated in my mind. (more…)

Unbelievable, but it was so cold in Vienna, I never expected it may be so. I felt lonely and isolated, I knew almost nobody in the city, and was not sure, what every new day would bring me. Sometimes I wonder, what is the engine that always moves me forward? And what love is? Why I so often feel unloved? Isn’t it that I feel unloved by my higher Self? When we fail to build up satisfying relationships with others, we fail to do it first of all with ourselves. And why I was fixed so much at things that increased my loneliness, for example, at photography, which always demanded many hours of secluded processing work. That is it.

Coming back home in twilight, I see street prostitutes in Hütteldorferstrasse during their evening shift.
Girls have extremely minimized professional outfit standing there almost nude in cold rain.
Some of them are very young. Trying to catch glimpse of their faces in quickly growing darkness
I try to imagine what they feel. I also see men who occasionally stop there in cars. What do they search? During first years of my life in Graz I actively dated.
It was vitally important to start understanding people around. Operating with few German words, I used to talk with men from Graz, Brück and Linz- about their lives. Understanding breaks language barriers. (more…)

Incredulous world. Young beggar is very invading and has writing at his cap: “Fuck rules” Every time I appear in Graben, he begs for coins from me. I regretted very soon that I ever noticed him and decided to be charitable. In-born beggars sense very quickly who has no nerve to reject. I have strange feeling whenever I provide help to young strong men. I feel ashamed. Perhaps, my mother instincts are not so well developed. Later I came to conclusion, that not only beggars have their own life philosophy, but similar philosophy has newspaper that represents them. I say not a single word more. But Russians have proverb: Fish starts to decay from its head.