Disclosure

As I already wrote before its always major part of life negativities unavoidable. Oddly enough all my depressing experiences concentrated in sphere of relations. It is like sado-maso games with your own gastronomic perceptiveness. When being invited to occasional restaurant I am hardly appreciative, though never complain, perceiving product freshness and also hygienic conditions it was cooked in. Far from praising Vienna restaurants. It was not rare case to be ill after dinner together with gent who wanted to get in my pants. Felt literally ill eating greasy food and necessity to resist male stupidity.
I percept imnnermost layers of humans when communicate, including those who obtain official power.

There are two categories of persons in positions of responsability: the first are extremely polite and courteous in borders of their offices, the second are nice in and abusive outside. Whenever you meet the speises of the first category (you know them by punctuality and obliging attitudes), you must give up all your prof expectations at the spot. Politeness of functioners is form of rejection and also weapon to put newcomers down. One of them sitting in CEN simply killed me
by his civil emails a few days ago. I experienced episode of reactive depression. If you want to know more how digestive system of burocratic organism works start visiting orgs begging for work.

Second category of authority persons are sweet and charming. These ones are dangerous. They don’t hesitate to use their position as toolkit for picking strawberies. Maybe you will get sort of self-destructive fulfillment in form of a few sweaty quickies with them, but never ever work or assignments. His intitiation for intimacy proves you have nothing to catch here. I had known a few persons of higher power level belonging to this type.
Journalists and photographers, mein Gott, demonstrate too high level of rivalry. If you ask more experienced native journalists for assistance, they would never help. Moreover they would try to convince you
you are no good, and all you do is shit. How you shoot! It is ridiculous! What do you write! Study language first! You don’t know who this and that person in Vienna is! Where do you live – at the moon?
People can rise their self-esteem only at the expense of others. Not only put others down, but completely annihilate. If it is woman – reduce her till her genital units
more valuable from their point of view than anything she does.

I often feel these dark forces of individuality under superfluous covers of politeness and charm when meet people
Nevertheless life is going on
What to do when cup of bitterness is full? No need to exercise physical violence over your innocent body! Try mental suicide instead. It helps to restore mind babance. Imagine you are already dead and lay there in your bed – may be after stroke or heart attack. Look at your immovable corpse, at wall of your room. Look and listen. You are already dead, but everything around is going on. And world is myserious and beautiful as ever

Serbian demonstration against Kosovo independence,

Vienna, Heldenplatz, 24.02.08, 13.00

As I have no more reliable source of information about Vienna events than FM-4 and Internet sites,

I arrived at place more than two hours earlier equipped with three lenses which I eventually didn’t use

When demo started, it was fun to shoot people together with other 4-5 male photographers

But I could not let myself enjoy it for more than half an hour, because I felt nervous I would not

have enough time to process photos

Chef von Dienst of Wiener Zeitung Hans Kronspieß told me that normally reporters send photos to editorial

office not later than two hours after shooting (I don’t mean he ordered today’s photos, it

was my own initiation)

I have complex attitudes toward journalism in general as form of self-expression

They say that the first oldest profession is prostitution and the second is journalism

In first case you trade your physical self for temporary use

In second case you trade your verbal self for prolonged use and express opinions of those who pay you

I become more and more dissatisfied with possibilities Nikon D200 provides fo shooting indoors.

Sometimes I feel completely desperate looking through dark and unclear shots I made in cafe. From one side big professional camera can not suit spy and voyeuristic tendencies I have, from the other side small camera compromises quality especially in poor light conditions

After 7 months of my lonely life in Vienna and some disappointing meetings in WAFF, organizations and newspapers I become less optimistic about my professional journalistic future in Austria.

This country has very good social security system, that reduces earning and career possibilities for freelancers

Austrians value stability and security, that often compromises originality, initiation and enterprise

Unless you are not included in social system, you cannot survive

When you are included, you have boring work and one topic that you constantly discuss with your collegues is

how many years you need yet to reach commonly desirable pension age

I had head opinions of Austrians who used to work for American organizations for some time and
being detached from their own national environment

realized that cautiousness, lack of enterprise, tendency to be polite and cover problems,

laziness and deep down despise for foreigners are inborn Austrian qualities

I can not say I prefer Russians, French, British or Swedes

About every of these nationalities I also have opinions based at intimacy

experiences with their male representatives

I only want to say there is always day and night, dark and light,

moon and other side of the moon.

And how to come through next stripe of complete darkness and preserve
integrity of your own personality?

Boy from the right told patronizingly touching my shoulder that

Nikon D200 is somewhat old

It was fun to shoot them

It is always easy to shoot young people

Older persons are often suspicious about something and full of false

apprehensions: “Are you going to sell picture of me?

Are you from newspaper? Are you private detective?”

It is close to impossibility to sell snapshot of somebody,

unless this person is perfectly attractive,

and gives you model release-

paper permission to be photographed

Today I visited “Wiener Zeitung”

Then I came to Südbahnhof and recollected time

when i came to Vienna for the first time from Graz

Saturday visit

It was cold windy morning. I made snapshot of this group near Westbahnhof

May be I idealize family relationships being deprived of them

You love man so much that it hurts and when he betrays you-

you want to die

But time goes on, and soon you can not recollect his name.

When I ask men what do they think love is,

they use different words such as: erotic,

cuddle, prolonged tender sex, having breakfast together…

They see it exclusively in terms of physical closeness

It is why woman can have many husbands and lovers,

but only one mother

Normally people don’t like their own photos even of high quality. Portrait photography is the special art of flattery. Everybody has own vision of himself that can be broken by cruel frankness of digital camera vision. Image we perceive with our eyes is processed by multiple filters of our brain. People don’t like their own portraits, unless these portraits compensate lack of human filtering with blur and  improvement of irregularities. I believe it is close to impossibility to earn something in portrait photography unless photographer invests fortune in his own studio light.

If life were ever joyful, it would be very hard to become old and die.

We know that everyday and every hour we become a little more dead than before, we do exactly this - we approach slowly but surely our individual border of physical existence and non-existence.

Good news is that there are many things in life that are simply awful and they are unavoidable. Perhaps especially keen pain reality gives when you are young and extremely perceptive, full of dreams and expectations.

With age you become a little bit more indifferent and realize that literally nothing in the world has so superior importance in journey through eternity. I often think about endless circles of life and other reborns.

You can hardly make all your aspirations true in space of one short life, nature constantly makes new sketches out of human material - more or less successful they are

Christoph Exler

Everybody has his own concept of love and art

And love is the only form of art where everybody

considers himself to be highly professional