Young female beggar in one of Vienna streets listening to arguments of older woman who suddenly stopped to express her opinion on beggary.

For the first time in my life, I was brought at the place against my will and kept there shut. I felt shaken and thought it must be mistake and soon they would let me go.

At the same time, I knew in my heart that the world where I lived before would never be the same again. On incomprehensible reasons, I became outcast, object of persecution; I broke certain rules and revealed my alien nature to others. I failed to act in reality that all others people except of me shared. So albino crow in flock of black birds is hit by beaks of others till it is dead. I had feeling that all others shared knowledge I had no access to.

Many years would pass until I realize that everybody creates his own truth, and common reality for all does not exist. I would realize that unanimity and group thinking point out to higher levels of compromise only and also ability to float at surface of interactions without digging deep inside Feeling of being fatally unique and isolated was destructive and overwhelming illusion of my youth. I was subservient and quiet girl, brought up in family of five children as youngest, accustomed to respect older and rely on their wisdom. (more…)

Group of people in Mariahilfer Strasse, Vienna. That plump woman with hair standing on at her head looked rather funny. She addressed me with idea to get a few coins for drink
Zhanna
It was sunny spring of 1982. The university alley of apple and peach trees was all pink lace of blossoms. The air was fresh and clear. But I was ascending marble staircase of main building with monument of Great Chief at the top feeling chill in my heart.
I was first year philology student and had exam on history of communist party.
There were two sleepless nights before due to quantity of books to read, which added to feeling of emptiness inside.
The group of students gathered in corridor by the classroom where professor Zhanna – pride of Kyrgyz historical materialism and peril of neglecting freshmen was receiving exams. (more…)

When I came back to lathe, I saw inspector with measure gadget there probing my patterns. He declared high percentage of deficiency and recommended to sharpen the drill. It was smoke break in instrumental store, and a group of middle-aged workers gathered around the table. Black plate of old radio was on the wall.
While uncle Vanya was sharpening my drill, I listened to the radio and to small talk of oldies.
There were no victims and no buildings destruction in republic after night earthquake, except of few clay huts collapse in province.

One old turner told how he witnessed strong earthquake many years ago in mountains area, when canyon suddenly appeared within a few meters from him, devoured people and cattle, and then formed new, smooth plateau. Then there were rumors about replacement in power structures. It was not 1937, but 1977, but people still talked by euphemisms. The chief editor of town newspaper was fired. His typesetter in print shop missed one letter in composition, what came out unnoticed. Newspaper was issued as usual by 100.000 copies circulation with words: traitor Brezhnev- instead of -chairman Brezhnev- printed in bold shrift at the first page.
Getting the drill, I still didn’t work, as hand crane was out of order and could not transport me new supply of pieces. I decided to climb up 30-meters staircase and check what was going wrong. (more…)

The moral postulate of soviet society was simple: who does not work must not eat, and parasitism was considered to be hardest sin. One could even be in problems with police suspected in parasitic mode of existence.

Living in center of Europe nowadays, I see symbiotic relationships with society to be of no great fault at all, as life constantly brings me in touch with Austrians who exist on behalf of social benefits for years, imitating intense activity and presenting extraordinary image of themselves to the world.

In spite of my devotion to spiritual teachings of new age, where abundance as form of energy is available for everybody, I still convinced that universal law of prosperity has formula of short blanket: you can feel very good in social system only on expense of others (more…)

It was 5 o’clock in the morning. I lay in darkness of the room awaken by strange sensation. The night was sticky and still, and full moon accompanied by blinking pearl of lonely star beamed in the open window. A moment later neighbors dog gave low howl of misery and supplication, and distant wails of other dogs echoed it.

It was some time before my morning shift at the plant, and still seized by odd feeling, I got up to prepare a cup of tea. Electric bulb hanging down from ceiling of kitchen on the long cord lighted up paint washed walls and shining spherical teapot at the table. Bulb was moving back and forth, as if swayed by wind. Then I realized with mixture of exhilaration and dismay it was earthquake and ran out in the yard, as people in seismic zones normally do being not sure house would stand stronger shoves. However, all was still around, and minute later peacock in nearby yard crowed his solemn greeting for coming dawn. It was only slight wave – not more than three units on Richter scale that day, and inspecting plaster of our old brick house later, I found only one new crack.

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Following rules, I say honestly that this photo shoot Graz photographer Reinhard Sock and then it was processed by Vienna photographer Werner Braun

500 Days of Street Photographer

And phrase “Kirgisin in Wien” was invented by chef editor of newspaper “Augustin” Robert Sommer, who considered it to be the most interesting concerning my personality in whole, he offered me to make photo essay about horses in Vienna and write about horses masters. Robert was always full of new projects and ideas, which he could easily forget. He was the first newspaper editor with whom I talked in Vienna. As I remember, he was instantly taken aback by my offer to cooperate, but then corrected himself and was quite nice. We talked about possibility of new mutual projects. But that first moment of his intinctive negative reaction was somewhat significant for development of our business relationship

They_say the moments when airplane takes off and lands are most fascinating. There I was again – in the big belly of steel bird landing this time in Stockholm airport. High speed, vibration and awareness of certain risk- make perception especially sharp. In proximity of a few seconds you evaluate all your life. I was invited to Sweden by one of my pen-friends with whom I corresponded for 5 last years of my stay in Moscow. Nils often wrote me about his life. Swedish veterinarian of 50 years old – he would send me packs of stockings and roses in frosty Moscow. My life in Russia was not that easy. Only those of mixed race and nationality origin can possibly understand discriminative nuances of existence in post-soviet reconstructive environment. Chechnya war was going on; now and then I was stopped in the street by police officers who checked documents of all suspicious persons with non-Slavic appearances. By other words, like every other real nomad I was ready to fly and all my property could be packed in a single bag. Sweden- from emigration point of view could be good choice. But I had peculiar premonitions about it. Emigration means complete financial dependency on partner- so you must be sure you can stand it or dig out your own grave.

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Ambiguous, if intellectual and physical potential of humans is endless, so is potential to feel. Normal life hardly gives opportunity to use this potential in full strength. But everybody knows in his heart he could experience more intensive, pure and strong feelings, and everybody dreams about true love. We all have relationships with which are never completely satisfied. We drag these relationships on like inevitable bonds. We would persuade ourselves that we love those close to us but there are always dark streams of doubt in enormous depth of our heart. If it is love, why we are unhappy? Even proclaiming that we care for others, we have complicated and contradiction feelings, which we never reveal. Did you notice that you can never be fond of somebody completely? You feel blissful completeness and admiration only when you stay in significant distance from one of your adore. Whenever you make step closer – inevitable blemishes come into sight. You tend to like some segments and dislike others. (more…)