Disclosure

Why all of them come to an end
All around us is moving, transforming and vibrating. World is constant change. Existence is a sort of motion with terminal station unknown.

I would draw it as vector or arrow directed in the future at targets, which do not exist yet. What really makes our progress along spirals of time nobody knows. Nobody perceived mystery of whole picture. If small particle of enigma reveals itself, it takes form of life purpose in our consciousness or feeling what we came in this world for - in our heart.
It seems, relationship looks very much like a dance – tango or waltz, where partners combine or synchronize their rhythmical movements – until they both hear the music. By other words, every couple has rhythm of joint movement and its temporary destination. Nature of things brings us behind the borders of any temporary objectives.

To stay forcefully true to old rhythms often means to compromise your life purpose, to inhibit your advance. Swimming aside from old mutual goal may often be perceived as boredom, feeling of worthlessness and loss of interest to the partner. If the world is constant change, every minute of life brings us closer or farther from each other.
Think for a moment. Cosmos progressively increases or decreases distance between us while we pursue our own life goals.

Analyzing statistic of dating agencies, for example, one can see that short life of many love stories is predictable.

Why we do not search for true friend on internet or in the darkness of the bar, but never lose hope to find true love there? Instability and superficiality of dating has simple reason - absence of mutual life-long goals and interests.

Such phenomenon has much in common with seeking work through job agencies. When you send your CV to potential employer whose ad you just found on internet, you express readiness to submit your life purpose and life interests to people whom you know very little and who claim the right to carry our verdict about your competence and worthiness. What about internet dating, many persons there start search having such temporary goals, as occasional sexual satisfaction (mostly men), attractiveness verification seeking (mostly women) and obsessed pretending (creating extraordinary image of themselves- both genders).

But what about life-long marriages? Such miracle still exists in our world! Keeping in mind stories of long-lasting partnerships, one can try to find secret what kept couple together. Word “love” means much and nothing, being used by all in range from Christianity to porno-industry. I would use here more descriptive and exact terms. The glue substance that held all construction of partnership together might be such unromantic thing as common property or common business, financial dependence or disability of one partner, providing for children or even raising common pet!

It is not secret anymore, that encounters with primary goal of sexual satisfaction have extremely short period of life and take form of frustration and disappointment even being formally satisfied.
Nevertheless, even best relationships based at true friendship, respect and passion may end, and we must let it go. You can hardly expect somebody copying unique trajectory of your life

I do not know where my motherland is, and to what nationality I belong. When I caught a glimpse of green Steiermark colors at Rathauspaltz of Vienna, where traditional national festivity took place, my heart gave a leap. I had feeling that after long journey I had come back home.

I could again smell aroma of familiar food, and how people around me spoke- with specific accent- sounded so homelike and nice. A glass of rose Schilcher wine, that occurred to be unexpectedly strong, increased my nostalgic longing.

When looking at governor Franz Voves standing by side of Vienna mayor, I recollected past days in Graz, and how once I photographed him in Schloss Eggenberg.

I always transmit my sympathy to those whom I photograph.

All in all I find Steiermark charm to be irresistible.

Technorati Tags: Graz

With my first old Nikon hidden under the jacket that made me look at least 6 month pregnant

I crept in one of multistoried houses (Laufhäuse) where prostitutes rented working rooms.

Though houses looked shabby outside, wooden panels, leather arm chairs and thick carpets preserved air of pomposity inside.

Every girl had big poster with nickname, close-up photo and short service description on the door of her cabin. Visitors were to make up their minds looking at these pictures.

Pretending to be absorbed by process, I kept eye on the men who appeared in the hall, and could unmistakably judge they were already aroused.

Some of them looked red in face and walked clumsily along the corridor as if “salami” in trousers suddenly changed its dimensions.

They were excited by very idea of visiting taboo place and by lewd images of their own imagination. Also promise of pleasure in its porno-illustrative form drive them temporary insane.

Like in any other profession, the crucial point in prostitution was specialization and uniqueness of woman services at the market.

If you earn 10-12 times more of what one could get for cleaning, baby-sitting and teaching jobs, you sell not only sex, but special types of sex – which one can hardly get free of charge.

Good if client would only cry out: “I want to eat your pussy!” or “Pee on me and sit on my face with your cunt!”

More often it could be other way round. Plus strangulations, breath and anal orifices penetration, beating, bandaging and what not.

I saw sad irony in fact that at least two brothels were situated in close neighborhood of Volkshaus (folks house), where advanced humanists from KPÖ talked day and night about their achievements in elimination of poverty and discrimination in Steiermark.

Touchingly looking young lads with red stars at their shirts overwhelmed by idea of capitalist injustice – circulated solemnly in Volkshaus.

I would advise them to start building communism within their own soul at first. Soon they would see futility of all efforts. And pass to other forms of idealism.

Coming back to prostitutes, I say I could hardly photograph them.

Not only because supervisor of the house was always on the duty, and every cabin had alarm device, but also because publicity would be very harmful for these women. They had police registration and compulsory medical check.

This fact of registration scared many foreign women in trouble away and forced them to start business on their own risk – being open to all forms of abuse.

I scrutinized somnambular faces of men seeking instant consolation in brothel and thought how they would behave being not controlled by rules,

when woman who wanted to earn for life by selling her genitals would be completely at their mercy?

Fatal defect of manhood was to identify woman with her body parts- making of her the cunt personification. Mechanism of such thinking was simple: woman shows ME her tits and opens for ME her legs, therefore woman wants ME.

Men seemed to be sufferers of their own gender. But they were ready to pay for sexual release- which brought them temporary relief - only because they were forced to.

Sometimes there were two of them, who wanted to split the bill climbing the woman one after the other.

My investigations helped me to realize I was too subtle a person for meat trade practices.

Illusive profits and even illusive physical self-preservation – could not surpass deep harmful influence of this activity.

For many women who started selling themselves in conditions of poverty and deprivation,

but continued when situation changed, it was emotional dependency and self-destruction, which they often enjoyed how others enjoy excessive alcoholism and drug using.

They were saved. They did not starve more and could buy new cloths. They could buy many things they were dreaming of.

But in exchange for losing themselves.

And what can be more valuable in this world than preserving your true self?

(to be continued)

Most probable, men of power never pay visits to local brothels, where they can be spied out.

If somebody appeared at least once on the screen of TV, it was risky for him to break with the air of lewd innocence in whorehouses or visit corrupted pussy at home when he could be recognized.

I guess discriminative law making is connected with chronically sick libido.

Gentlemen in nice suits circulating in city hall and parliament are victims of their own public images and unsatisfied wishes.

They strive for demonstration of self-importance erected on cramped libido of unhappy marriages. They could only dream possessing prostitutes - their body and soul. But grip of passion for political power was equally strong, and it made the choice.

I always felt myself investigative and curious about prostitutes, these enigmatic night butterflies, queens of seduction and throat tripper. Do they separate themselves from their bodies when giving blow job or offering orifices to next drunk man with bear belly and dim eyes of ill animal? I used all small tricks available to milk my occasional acquaintances for information about hot places in town.

I wanted also to test myself.

Living in Graz without income and without prospect to get work permit, sometimes hungry and mentally unwell, I often vibrated between wish to end my life and hope to find at least temporary source of survival.
Can I possibly earn something in nightspot as other foreign women do?

Why I must give up struggle and die in my small flat under the roof when life still fascinates me?

Sometimes meeting people who talked contemptuously of money I though they were fools. Or they had never been in state of real poverty. It was not starvation that scared, when you could not buy cake you saw in bakery window, the worst was paralyzing misery, fear and humiliation which literally burned out your guts from inside .

It was not enough to know that having Graz AMS in mind (job office), you would quickly find yourself employed by biggest whorehouse situated exactly opposite. The army of Graz prostitutes was represented also by semi-professionals who never appeared in vicinities of brothels, but who traded their services through newspaper and internet love ads. They could be ordinary students, waitresses, lonely mothers and sales-girls, offering home services without any medical check unless met with too visible consequences of promiscuity.

(to be continued)

As I already wrote before its always major part of life negativities unavoidable. Oddly enough all my depressing experiences concentrated in sphere of relations. It is like sado-maso games with your own gastronomic perceptiveness. When being invited to occasional restaurant I am hardly appreciative, though never complain, perceiving product freshness and also hygienic conditions it was cooked in. Far from praising Vienna restaurants. It was not rare case to be ill after dinner together with gent who wanted to get in my pants. Felt literally ill eating greasy food and necessity to resist male stupidity.
I percept imnnermost layers of humans when communicate, including those who obtain official power.

There are two categories of persons in positions of responsability: the first are extremely polite and courteous in borders of their offices, the second are nice in and abusive outside. Whenever you meet the speises of the first category (you know them by punctuality and obliging attitudes), you must give up all your prof expectations at the spot. Politeness of functioners is form of rejection and also weapon to put newcomers down. One of them sitting in CEN simply killed me
by his civil emails a few days ago. I experienced episode of reactive depression. If you want to know more how digestive system of burocratic organism works start visiting orgs begging for work.

Second category of authority persons are sweet and charming. These ones are dangerous. They don’t hesitate to use their position as toolkit for picking strawberies. Maybe you will get sort of self-destructive fulfillment in form of a few sweaty quickies with them, but never ever work or assignments. His intitiation for intimacy proves you have nothing to catch here. I had known a few persons of higher power level belonging to this type.
Journalists and photographers, mein Gott, demonstrate too high level of rivalry. If you ask more experienced native journalists for assistance, they would never help. Moreover they would try to convince you
you are no good, and all you do is shit. How you shoot! It is ridiculous! What do you write! Study language first! You don’t know who this and that person in Vienna is! Where do you live – at the moon?
People can rise their self-esteem only at the expense of others. Not only put others down, but completely annihilate. If it is woman – reduce her till her genital units
more valuable from their point of view than anything she does.

I often feel these dark forces of individuality under superfluous covers of politeness and charm when meet people
Nevertheless life is going on
What to do when cup of bitterness is full? No need to exercise physical violence over your innocent body! Try mental suicide instead. It helps to restore mind babance. Imagine you are already dead and lay there in your bed – may be after stroke or heart attack. Look at your immovable corpse, at wall of your room. Look and listen. You are already dead, but everything around is going on. And world is myserious and beautiful as ever

I wonder what he is thinking about

I discovered it is impossible to cheat people trying secretly photograph them,

individuality under the question always knows he(she) is object of interest,

even being surrounded by others, being in the group

As if they feel it

So we always know we are loved

They say the dogs always know who is afraid of them

Dogs catch micro movements and vibrations of our bodies,

and also the smell of stress (distress)

I think people are subconsciously sensitive about unknown for science vibrations

of other creatures from the point of possible threat

If you start doing anything seriously, soon you will realize that problems of any contemporary occupation arise mostly at promotion level.

If you cannot market yourself, you can do nothing. In such arts, as cinematography and photography, the more gifted you are the less chances you have to maneuver smoothly
through troublesome process of advertising.

Artistic talent is often about creative originality and helplessness in practical things.

Contemporary society is one absurd limitless marketplace. Wherever you go, you turn to be potential buyer with whom they talk in terms of sale. Internet is paranoia store of advertising spam and initiated purchases, not mentioning already radio and TV.

You cannot reach the end of your own street without being asked for money. Beggars trade you their humiliation; prostitutes trade their body orifices for temporary use. Post box exists exclusively to devour tremendous quantity of commercials and bills.

You are not human; you are consumer – water, shelter, cloth, food, entertainment
and even your accidental death – all is article of trade and must be paid for.

In this world of sales, the first thing you know about yourself is that you are nonentity in buy-and sell hierarchy.
Your overall human value drops down until mark Mr. Nobody or rises like pole of thermometer measuring potential buy ability of your bank account.

If your sad fate is to be an artist, first thing you better do is dismiss old-fashioned ideas about high value of hard labor and talent over mercantile mediocrity.

Today it is not essential to be genial, even better for your own sake not to be so; you must be moderately industrious-moderately gifted useful member of society with good management skills. In this civilization not creativeness, but management plays most important role.

Establishing photography as profession sorrowfully connected with your potential buy capacity.

One cannot even start in photography without certain professional purchases. Newcomer must compete at the market with those who invest thousands in their photo arsenal. New technologies demand involvement of modern equipment and software, which costs.

What about photo models who are not picture pretty and young, they can market themselves with certain profit in the field of porno. Beauty and youth are not sufficient conditions for success in non-sex-industry either.

A few photographers in Graz, with whom I came in contact searching possibility to earn as model in previous years, confessed they could hardly ever sell anything, and offered me to pose for them nude free of charge.

Before emigration to Austria, I would often visit Moscow Cinema House (Dom Kino) and enjoyed circulation among film producers, actors and camera operators.
Sometimes I was accompanied by film producer Sergey.

He was man over 50 with snow-white beard. Rather well known in documentary cinematography, Sergey came to Moscow from province with hope to market his films. He had two grown-up children and ex-wife, who could not bare life of financial insecurity with him anymore.
He sold all his property in native town to have recourses enough to buy only summerhouse in Moscow district.

It is meaningful point in Russian high society to live within or outside of Moscow city ring highway that signifies level of person’s prosperity. Sergey’s lodgings occurred to be far beyond ring highway, and to reach Cinema House he was to take suburban and metro trains for overall 4 hours per day.

He was discreet person with traditional gallantries of Russian intelligentsia, which
let him touch my elbow exclusively descending steep staircase.

Only once he told dreamily that he was fond of horses and that my angular movements
reminded him of young, not completely adult horse once he took care of being a boy.

Unfortunately, like anywhere in the world, one needs not only excellent product such as ready documentary to find buyers, most of all one needs to know right people.

Day after day passed, but Sergey could neither sell his work nor find new projects.
It was not rare case among Russian men of art and letters that he started to drink and drank heavily.

According to national tradition, within a few years he descended from champagne to technical alcohol consumption in environment of dark gateway.
I declined his invitations, because he used to fall asleep in the chairs of watch rooms, when possible promoters were invited, and he would slide under the table in restaurants and spread their, which gave pains to transport him out.

I stopped visiting Cinema House. Being deeply frustrated, I existed in state of inner emigration and intended to leave Russia.
Already in Graz, once I got message that Sergey died.
Being drunk as usual, he tried to get back to his lodgings and missed last train. It was frosty night. Instead of waiting in railway station, where he would probably be in hands of police who hunted for tipsy wanderers, he started for a walk.
Then he lay down in the snow to give himself a break.
The white bed was soft and warm.

He fell asleep.
Perhaps he saw vast green fields of his native land. Young red horse with black hair tentatively approached him.
He held out crust of bread with salt and murmured:
- Come here, my silky beauty…
It snowed heavily that night.

There was turmoil of wind and snowdrifts. Nobody could disturb Sergey’s sleep.

I visited normal Soviet school, where among other exotic subjects
we studied scientific atheism.

In classroom with portrait of Mongolian looking Leader and quotation: “Religion is opium for people”
teacher talked about Darwinism and astrophysics mocking over
tales of holy world creation.

We were busy with history of Christianity, and there was Moslem country outside - with neither veil, nor pray. For us Islam expressed itself only in pork sausages veto and mini skirts decline when elderly relatives paid visit.

Already living in Austria, I realized that many non-religious inspiration authors had Christianity based world outlook.
Nevertheless, even in most disastrous moments of life when visiting church, I could never cross myself.

Childhood images of horned devils with long-handled spoons cooking sinners in big container circulated in my mind.

Once at exhibition in Kunsthaus, decently looking man circa 60 year old assisted me with descriptions of musical instruments I could not fully understand.
Franz knew a lot and demonstrated talkativeness and competence. He had dark eyes, robust physique and red moist lower lip slightly protruding forward as if expecting to consume something sweet.
He invited me to concert of spiritual music.

Strictly following his directions I came to place next week.
When opening the door, I found myself in big light room with dinner table in center. Sound of talks seemed muffled as if reaching ears through water, and by special atmosphere, you could unambiguously judge predominance of women and absence of alcohol drinks. Faces seemed to be covered by layer of unanimity that blurred individual features.

Franz invited me to regular meeting of certain religious sect, in which he participated actively for more than 20 years.

Whenever you start discussion with devoted visitors of such gatherings, they tend to give dogmatic answers to any of your questions, as if cutting themselves off from any independent searches for truth.

I could not come to complete belief by means of mere quotations, being doubtful about everything, including the fact that I was ever born.
Later Franz wanted to show me his collection of musical instruments, and all way
until his house in outskirts of Graz, we talked about God: I would ask about his own opinion, and he would reply me with standard universal quotations from Bible.
It was big wooden house with three bedrooms upstairs and cozy kitchen, where Franz was busy cooking dinner for himself and his two adult sons.
I confessed that browsing through Austrian dating agencies I saw Franz photo.
He admitted the fact he dated and did it especially actively after divorce. During last year he had met with
more than 50 women who searched for partner. What was wrong with all of them? Nothing was wrong.

Franz expressed idea that with age persons tend to be choosy and also rigid about what they want. Only with one of this 50 women he had closeness. It lasted for three months.

His former wife was of 20 younger, and they used to attend the same church.
It was him who normally made all household including cooking and washing, though both partners worked.
Franz played role of father, his good-looking wife - role of capricious daughter.
With time relationship became worse. They used to fall in fierce arguments,
and then didn’t talk to each other for weeks. After short period of intimacy and reconciliation, the hostility and struggle aroused again and managed their lives.
During times of cold war with her, Franz felt especially distressed and would sometimes
find his personal belongings like books and instruments damaged.

Once he collapsed in bed and injured foot against thorns
of cactus which somebody put secretly under blanket.

The day came, when common church friends reported that Franz spouse
was seen in company of black man.
Relationship can be over, but jealousy, as strongest emotion, always stays intact.

Franz was tormented by jealousy and shame.
He would lay sleepless all night listening to cracks and noises of his wooden house, and thinking, thinking. He felt helpless to stop bitter flow of thoughts.
He started secret investigation, and discovered that considerable amount of money
was spent by his wife for male’s cloths. She also bought motorcycle for somebody.
He started to spy after her himself and also used services of private detective. Eventually they divorced.
- It was all about money, - confessed Franz solemnly, and his red lower lip became pale.
Evidence was needed in court to legalize divorce with money loss for partner guilty in adultery.

Franz followed his wife and her Nigerian lover when they came in the fields and hided himself behind the bushes.

When couple finished the game and left, he picked up two condoms with sperm and brought it in the labor.

I don’t know what love is. For me it is mystery, that has little to do with intimate contact. It can perfectly exist and flourish in heart without body closeness to beloved.

Weird thing is that many men are so eager to conquer woman’s body, and do nothing to conquer her thoughts.

After some efforts they can be granted with sex, but not with love. This process could be compared with eating in expensive, but tasteless restaurant. There you eat, but food does not nourish you, and nice looking dish has negative energy fill. Cook, waiter and manager – all of them added their negative energies to this dish which was expressed in wish to sell you product and then to get rid of you as soon as possible.

According to my experience, many men pursue attractive women with only one wish to

get access to her genitals – often by means of moral deception. Idea of one or two intercourses by any means is programmed in their mind. After self defeating program

is fulfilled and they experienced pleasant release after ejaculation – demoralizing aspects come to surface and make them unhappier than before.

Sex victories turn out to be self destructive.

He who strives for isolated egoistic satisfaction, after short period of elation has all symptoms of being poisoned.

Sex closeness without free will and sincere wish of both sides is harmful for health. Negative energy fluids penetrate blood system and poison us with concealed hatred, desperation, pain and fear.

Conquering women by means of deception signalizes also about low level of self-consciousness.

Men often care only about physical shape. Therefore when they touch woman breast or her clitoris, when they penetrate her vagina and experience short convulsive pleasure of orgasm, they have complete illusion of possession.

But don’t forget that 99% of our personality are invisible.

My vaginal lips and my nipples are not me. They are tiniest part of me.

When we look at our body in powerful microscope we can see that body is composed of nothing.

There are empty distances between particles which vibrate with enormous frequency and create illusion of being hard.

So men who possess only female bodies - possess nothing.

Fraudulent representations and non willful deceptions they normally do are senseless.

Even amidst violent intercourse woman reveals only 1% of herself,

and this tiny percent often imitates sex enjoyment and orgasm-

to captivate man and fatally increase his delusions.