Disclosure

Why all of them come to an end
All around us is moving, transforming and vibrating. World is constant change. Existence is a sort of motion with terminal station unknown.

I would draw it as vector or arrow directed in the future at targets, which do not exist yet. What really makes our progress along spirals of time nobody knows. Nobody perceived mystery of whole picture. If small particle of enigma reveals itself, it takes form of life purpose in our consciousness or feeling what we came in this world for - in our heart.
It seems, relationship looks very much like a dance – tango or waltz, where partners combine or synchronize their rhythmical movements – until they both hear the music. By other words, every couple has rhythm of joint movement and its temporary destination. Nature of things brings us behind the borders of any temporary objectives.

To stay forcefully true to old rhythms often means to compromise your life purpose, to inhibit your advance. Swimming aside from old mutual goal may often be perceived as boredom, feeling of worthlessness and loss of interest to the partner. If the world is constant change, every minute of life brings us closer or farther from each other.
Think for a moment. Cosmos progressively increases or decreases distance between us while we pursue our own life goals.

Analyzing statistic of dating agencies, for example, one can see that short life of many love stories is predictable.

Why we do not search for true friend on internet or in the darkness of the bar, but never lose hope to find true love there? Instability and superficiality of dating has simple reason - absence of mutual life-long goals and interests.

Such phenomenon has much in common with seeking work through job agencies. When you send your CV to potential employer whose ad you just found on internet, you express readiness to submit your life purpose and life interests to people whom you know very little and who claim the right to carry our verdict about your competence and worthiness. What about internet dating, many persons there start search having such temporary goals, as occasional sexual satisfaction (mostly men), attractiveness verification seeking (mostly women) and obsessed pretending (creating extraordinary image of themselves- both genders).

But what about life-long marriages? Such miracle still exists in our world! Keeping in mind stories of long-lasting partnerships, one can try to find secret what kept couple together. Word “love” means much and nothing, being used by all in range from Christianity to porno-industry. I would use here more descriptive and exact terms. The glue substance that held all construction of partnership together might be such unromantic thing as common property or common business, financial dependence or disability of one partner, providing for children or even raising common pet!

It is not secret anymore, that encounters with primary goal of sexual satisfaction have extremely short period of life and take form of frustration and disappointment even being formally satisfied.
Nevertheless, even best relationships based at true friendship, respect and passion may end, and we must let it go. You can hardly expect somebody copying unique trajectory of your life

Contemplating over my own intimate relationships and those of others I conclude that ideal lover for me could be only duplicate of me. Imagine, you meet somebody with equal sensitivity and quickness, equally changeable and bizarre; you have endless topics for conversation, eternal understanding and adore.

You feel hands – wise as your own - caressing your body and you hear the words of tenderness, comfort and devotion at the right time, you sense somebody stroking you with mastery and genuine passion you have not known before. Is it closeness with other woman I am dreaming of?

Though I know that polygamy and bisexuality are frequently components of exquisite sensuality and erotic homo relationships could be of higher class than that of heterosexual, I would not reduce image of real love to body parts where gender differences arise. During first most important weeks of existence human embryo has no gender diversity.

We all want to be truly loved. And it is primary feeling. Unfortunately, everybody has his own ideas how true love must look like. Eventually we never get what we dream of, as our expectations are too unique and quantity of persons we meet during lifetime is limited. Our longing for love is insatiable, and never approaches ideal.

Perhaps, giving love has more chances for eternity, because you can CREATE what you are dreaming of. What you receive from others often looks like parody on your desires, it is so funny, small and pale!- it has no sincerity, no mystery, no vibrations! But what you give is under your control, you can add colors, aromas, exclamation signs- all you want to see in your image. Well, here we come back to old truth that secret of love is giving – giving vital energy of your feelings.

Saturday visit

It was cold windy morning. I made snapshot of this group near Westbahnhof

May be I idealize family relationships being deprived of them

You love man so much that it hurts and when he betrays you-

you want to die

But time goes on, and soon you can not recollect his name.

When I ask men what do they think love is,

they use different words such as: erotic,

cuddle, prolonged tender sex, having breakfast together…

They see it exclusively in terms of physical closeness

It is why woman can have many husbands and lovers,

but only one mother

Die Dame

Nikkor AF 70-210mm, f4-5.6

Snapshot was made in conditions of cloudy weather. Woman appeared suddenly in front of me and moved rather quickly

Bang at the door came after midnight. Since it was bars area, I reached for rolling pin and
then shut open the door.
Russian woman Natasha stood there together with her husband - short man with disproportional big hands. Natasha looked as child who broke vase playing football in living room and tried to postpone inexorable penalty of angered parent.
- Galya, confirm that I was with you last night, - retorted she miserably.
Looking at her companion whose hands were clenching like claws of big cancer anticipating piercing through soft flesh, I hurriedly confirmed falsehood.
I knew Natasha for a few years. Now and then, she visited me in my attic to narrate about her life of struggle with controlling and jealous husband.
Couple came to Austria from Moscow region 15 years ago. They had two children, and
man belonged to category of “imported Russian brains” being highly qualified specialist welcomed by Austrian science.
Natasha existed in situation of complete financial dependence on spouse,
what stimulated significantly her victim attitudes and brutal dominant manners of her man.
She went so far in confessions of being beaten by him regularly at least once a week.
I would suspect exaggerations, as if she would not appear with bruises. Once it was violet “lantern” under her eye that she tried to cover with strand of hair.
Not so long time ago, striving for independence in her forties, she started to search for work, and as the choice was restricted by emigration and local employment situation - she readily grabbed low-paid cleaning job in Graz. During first months of her washing floors and toilets trial, she felt exhausted, but liberty added to her self-esteem.
However, she continued to be involved in struggle with her spouse.
Observing people around I conclude they tend to separate their problems from themselves. While problems are often components of their own mental system.
If you are close to person who physically abuse you for 20 years it means you constantly recreate this model of partnership yourself and certain private satisfaction you get in this creative process supports your choice. There is always something satisfying for both partners in long-lasting unions, something that spreads beyond visibilities and glues whole construction.
Natasha used to complain about sadistic eruptions of her man, and of course, fact of violence was terrible by itself.
Once being a photo model and shooting with certain FC photographer, I experienced similar incident. There was stressed atmosphere in improvised studio.
When photographer approached me unexpectedly and touched my breast, I could not help myself striking him.
He became fierce and gave me heavy blow back that smashed me down on the floor.
I would never forget feeling of being at mercy of creature who used physical superiority as right to overpower me.
Shooting often at Stephansplatz, I also witness how grooms beat their horses to make them obedient. Imagine you are chained to cart and cannot move away. When you get blow, you can only start expecting next one. We are all chained to those carts. They symbolize life circumstances we find ourselves in.
Natasha not only wept, but also demonstrated presents she got as bribe and compensation from her husband: cloths, cruise tickets, digital cameras and even car.
Contemplating on phenomenon of violence, once I visited exhibition Of Sacher Masoch in Sackstrasse.
There were excellent sketches for his novel“Venus in Furs” and modern sado-maso and fetish orientated photos of tied up nude women and men licking shoes of beautiful dominant mistresses. If reading about tortures of Great Inquisition make us doubtful about merits of human nature in general, then fact that pleasure and pain have transit borders and extend each other – only contributes to common knowledge in physiology, and also understanding that many humans have altitude for submissiveness or dominance that can be manifested only erotically,- prevents from jumping to conclusions.
Looking at the visitors of S/M exhibition. I was thinking how many of them who were sure about their own highly moral puritanical outlook were potentially capable to plot and execute sado-maso approach to their partners: from slaps on the buttocks and verbal humiliation, till domestic violence and terror control.
Last time I met Natasha she looked worried. She had come through divorce with her man, and now lived alone in a flat on the other side of the Mur. Her eyes became clouded, when she wished me the best in my lonely life in Vienna.
What about her, she decided to resume living together with her ex-husband in the new house that he bought after divorce to make her come back.
We kissed goodbye.
She hurried away along Hauptbrücke, and looking after her, I was thinking she grew older and lost weight living alone.