15.05.08 I found wonderful book of Steve Caplin in local library and added patriotic picture to my nude collection

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Three male photographers with Canon cameras assisted me in creation of this small collection.

Sometimes I doubt there is any sense at all to exhibit nude portraits on Internet. But time is going on and pictures - small replicas of reality accumulate on my hard drive and plead to take care of them. They also plead for exposure

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In Central Asia where I was born, 47 years old is considered to be age of grandmothers, and the women don’t model normally after 18-25, if they are well. In Russia it is still possible to find models of 30. For me it would be impossible to expose nude photos living in this part of the world

Once I met an old artist in the street, he was in his usual shabby jacket with fringes at the bottom, dragging heavy suitcase with sketches and looking thoughtful. When I asked him, what was going on, he replied: “It is always the same - too much of work and too little or nothing of wage”

Hej, my blog, the sacred wheel is turning on in spite of all odds! I just seek the way to promote my project “Faces of Austrian politics”

I am positively more and more fond of Hermann Hesse writings, consider him to be great author. What I have come across today in his book:

“Thank you, good man,” said Siddhartha, “I am afraid I have no gift to give you, no payment, I am homeless.”

“I could see that, - said the ferryman, “And I did not expect any payment or gift from you, you will give it to me some other time.”

“Do you think so?”- asked Siddhartha merrily

“Certainly. I have learned that from the river; everything comes back”

It was traditional the 1 May demo and Day of the Work in Vienna yesterday, and to express their solidarity with social-democratic, communist and national minorities movements in the country thousands of people marched along streets of the city toward Parliament and City council, where chancellor Alfred Gusenbauer, mayor Michael Häupl, trades-union leader Rudolf Hundstorfer held their welcoming speeches.
Alfred Gusenbauer, greeted by applauds of massive crowd at Rathausplatz, expressed motto of the day in a few words:
“We all want to have not only work, we want to have good work!”

I was in this crowd, and after manifestation discovered with surprise that Alfred Gusenbauer was quite approachable and open for communication with everybody, what was difficult to expect from Russian public figures of the same rank. The last ones probably always wanted to protect themselves from potential terrorists, provocateurs and charity pleaders.

I also noticed that mayor and chancellor, belonging to the same social-democratic party and representing Austrian establishment,
often use word “Genossen” (Comrades) when they address audience.
I thought the word was prerogative of communists and activists of fascist Germany (Parteigenossen),
on that reason (separating themselves from their own communist past), the word was for along time already banned in Russia by public opinion and sounds funny today there.
On some reason, police stopped the march of communists and minorities by Parliament yesterday.
The colors were the same - red, but one could quickly guess who stood for authority and who not

One of my Demo picture was used in weekly selection of Reuters world news agency

Reuters 

I would draw it as vector or arrow directed in the future at targets, which do not exist yet. What really makes our progress along spirals of time nobody knows. Nobody perceived mystery of whole picture. If small particle of enigma reveals itself, it takes form of life purpose in our consciousness or feeling what we came in this world for - in our heart.
It seems, relationship looks very much like a dance – tango or waltz, where partners combine or synchronize their rhythmical movements – until they both hear the music. By other words, every couple has rhythm of joint movement and its temporary destination. Nature of things brings us behind the borders of any temporary objectives.

To stay forcefully true to old rhythms often means to compromise your life purpose, to inhibit your advance. Swimming aside from old mutual goal may often be perceived as boredom, feeling of worthlessness and loss of interest to the partner. If the world is constant change, every minute of life brings us closer or farther from each other.
Think for a moment. Cosmos progressively increases or decreases distance between us while we pursue our own life goals.

Analyzing statistic of dating agencies, for example, one can see that short life of many love stories is predictable.

Why we do not search for true friend on internet or in the darkness of the bar, but never lose hope to find true love there? Instability and superficiality of dating has simple reason - absence of mutual life-long goals and interests.

Such phenomenon has much in common with seeking work through job agencies. When you send your CV to potential employer whose ad you just found on internet, you express readiness to submit your life purpose and life interests to people whom you know very little and who claim the right to carry our verdict about your competence and worthiness. What about internet dating, many persons there start search having such temporary goals, as occasional sexual satisfaction (mostly men), attractiveness verification seeking (mostly women) and obsessed pretending (creating extraordinary image of themselves- both genders).

But what about life-long marriages? Such miracle still exists in our world! Keeping in mind stories of long-lasting partnerships, one can try to find secret what kept couple together. Word “love” means much and nothing, being used by all in range from Christianity to porno-industry. I would use here more descriptive and exact terms. The glue substance that held all construction of partnership together might be such unromantic thing as common property or common business, financial dependence or disability of one partner, providing for children or even raising common pet!

It is not secret anymore, that encounters with primary goal of sexual satisfaction have extremely short period of life and take form of frustration and disappointment even being formally satisfied.
Nevertheless, even best relationships based at true friendship, respect and passion may end, and we must let it go. You can hardly expect somebody copying unique trajectory of your life

Contemplating over my own intimate relationships and those of others I conclude that ideal lover for me could be only duplicate of me. Imagine, you meet somebody with equal sensitivity and quickness, equally changeable and bizarre; you have endless topics for conversation, eternal understanding and adore.

You feel hands – wise as your own - caressing your body and you hear the words of tenderness, comfort and devotion at the right time, you sense somebody stroking you with mastery and genuine passion you have not known before. Is it closeness with other woman I am dreaming of?

Though I know that polygamy and bisexuality are frequently components of exquisite sensuality and erotic homo relationships could be of higher class than that of heterosexual, I would not reduce image of real love to body parts where gender differences arise. During first most important weeks of existence human embryo has no gender diversity.

We all want to be truly loved. And it is primary feeling. Unfortunately, everybody has his own ideas how true love must look like. Eventually we never get what we dream of, as our expectations are too unique and quantity of persons we meet during lifetime is limited. Our longing for love is insatiable, and never approaches ideal.

Perhaps, giving love has more chances for eternity, because you can CREATE what you are dreaming of. What you receive from others often looks like parody on your desires, it is so funny, small and pale!- it has no sincerity, no mystery, no vibrations! But what you give is under your control, you can add colors, aromas, exclamation signs- all you want to see in your image. Well, here we come back to old truth that secret of love is giving – giving vital energy of your feelings.

It was sunny and clear autumn day with slight chill in the air.

I was at the main square of Graz observing flock of pigeons in front of city council with nobody around me except of two men on ecstasy who just bought their supply and old drunkard stretching on bank in booze doze.
It was my birthday.

I had bank account sufficient to buy a pair of home slippers and a few tinkling coins in the pocket. I did not mind curves of fortune except of difficulty to know what to do next.

Perhaps it would be clever to buy a loaf of bread and reconsider invitation of Venus bar manager. He collected the girls in trouble for night work. I might appear in nightclub in role of salable puppet, one more in the army of town whores. As I was going out of age, there was no hope for profit. I could also try selling items of my wardrobe, like old fur overcoat and books, which probably nobody would buy.
To lose your spirits means to perish. I went on, but there was no change of tide. When I left my home for Austria some years ago, I played not innocent lotto, but Russian roulette.
The 26 euros I had now was not so little after all. It was enough to keep human being alive for a few weeks if cut loafs of bread in small pieces and enrich menu with garbage from junk cans downstairs.

It was also enough to enter Graz casino and to drink glass of champagne there.
It was traditional casino woman’s day and my birthday! Therefore, I could get additional free tokens to play. Who knows what destiny prepared there for me according with its incomprehensible schemes? Reality is secret order concealed from our eyes.
If I win much, I would leave town for good. If I win little, I would buy myself hearty meal. If I lose… Well, there is always Venus Bar and main bridge from where one can jump in the river with the skirt around the head and white buttocks exposed to spectators of Murradweg.
The moment I made up my mind, the bells of Franziskaner monastery rang, and flock of pigeons left the square. I came back to my lodgings and put on lace underwear, shoes and small black dress. However, eye shadows brush demonstrated disobedience to my shaking hands.
From the first glance, the interior of casino struck me as place of luxury and refinement.
The buzz of voices, carpeted floors, deep mahogany colors and aroma of expensive perfumes, all this added to the atmosphere of money currents flooding back and forth through the place and bringing here true core passions of society, longing for power, emanations of fear, boredom and greed.
There were women in eve outfits and men in elegant suits.
It seemed that majority of them could afford to lose. Some of gamblers nonchalantly played with 500 euros tokens piled in small colorful heaps in front of them at the green cloth of tables. Movement of big roulette wheel was hypnotizing and fascinating indeed.

Nobody could interfere with your chances to lose or to win. Impenetrable order of things manifested itself here - trough run of roulette ball and where it stopped dead as if controlled by invisible force.

(to be continued)

KPÖ: Geschenke an Glücksspielindustrie verschärfen Spielsucht-Problem
Graz (OTS) - Verwundert zeigt sich der Landtagsklub der steirischen KPÖ über die Aussagen von Staatssekretärin Kranzl, die Klubchef Kaltenegger vorwirft, lediglich für eine höhere Besteuerung der Spielautomaten einzutreten.
Die Dichte an Spielautomaten ist in der Steiermark österreichweit am höchsten. Das liegt auch daran, dass pro Automat und Monat 1.000 Euro weniger an Abgaben zu leisten sind als in der Bundeshauptstadt. Deshalb hat die KPÖ im Rahmen eines Paktes an Vorschlägen zur Bekämpfung der Spielsucht gefordert, die Abgaben auf Wiener Niveau anzuheben. Das würde die Zahl der Automaten reduzieren und dem Land gleichzeitig jährlich Mehreinnahmen in der Höhe von bis zu 60 Mio. Euro bringen.
Der Vorsitzende des Glücksspiel-Ausschusses im steirischen Landtag ist Wolfgang Kasic (ÖVP), der als Funktionär der Wirtschaftskammer Obmann der Spielautomatenbetreiber ist. “Wir verstehen, dass Staatssekretärin Kranzl sensibel auf Fragen des Kleinen Glücksspiels reagiert. Klubobmann Kaltenegger ist jederzeit zu einem Gespräch mit Frau Kranzl bereit”, betont Georg Fuchs, Pressesprecher des KPÖ-Landtagsklubs.

Technorati Tags: Graz, Spielsucht

I do not know where my motherland is, and to what nationality I belong. When I caught a glimpse of green Steiermark colors at Rathauspaltz of Vienna, where traditional national festivity took place, my heart gave a leap. I had feeling that after long journey I had come back home.

I could again smell aroma of familiar food, and how people around me spoke- with specific accent- sounded so homelike and nice. A glass of rose Schilcher wine, that occurred to be unexpectedly strong, increased my nostalgic longing.

When looking at governor Franz Voves standing by side of Vienna mayor, I recollected past days in Graz, and how once I photographed him in Schloss Eggenberg.

I always transmit my sympathy to those whom I photograph.

All in all I find Steiermark charm to be irresistible.

Technorati Tags: Graz

Action in defense of same-gender partnership
It was rather hot morning, and I felt the gravity of my photo bag, walking by zigzags and asking every pedestrian where civil registry office is. I anticipated picturesque manifestation at the place, but found only small group there. As usual, I photographed persons whose faces I found to be interesting. This time it was woman in red jacket
Ulrike Lunacek

The Green party parliament representative and speaker for equalization movement of gays, lesbians and transsexuals
http://www.gruene.at/personen/ulrike_lunacek/

10.04.08 Aktion “Wir wollen da rein!” zur gleichgeschlechtlichen Partnerschaft
Die Debatte um gleichgeschlechtliche Partnerschaften wird immer absurder: In der ÖVP wird darum gestritten, ob das Standesamt der richtige Ort für die Eintragung von Partnerschaften ist, und die SPÖ sieht zu und schafft es nicht, ihre eigenen Wahlversprechen auch nur ansatzweise umzusetzen. Gleichgeschlechtliche Paare haben das Recht auf vollständige rechtliche Gleichstellung (inkl. Sozial-, Pensions- und Fremdenrecht) und wollen ihre Partnerschaft auf dem Standesamt besiegeln. Unter dem Motto “Wir wollen da rein!” zieht die Grüne NR-Abgeordnete Ulrike Lunacek gemeinsam mit dem Wiener LTAbg. Marco Schreuder und AktivistInnen der Grünen Andersrum sowie Organisationen der lesbischwulen Zivilgesellschaft vor das Standesamt am Wiener Schlesingerplatz, um für dieses Anliegen zu demonstrieren. Gleichzeitig ist dies der Start für die Postkarten- und Internet-Initiative “Wir dürfen hier nicht rein!”

TeilnehmerInnen:
- Ulrike Lunacek, Nationalratsabgeordnete der Grünen, Sprecherin für Gleichstellung von Lesben, Schwulen und TransGender

- Marco Schreuder, Landtagsabgeordneter der Grünen Wien - sowie weitere Mitglieder der vom Bundesministerium für Gesundheit, Familie und Jugend gemeinsam mit Vertreter/innen des Bundesministeriums für Justiz einberufenen Arbeitsgruppe “Gleichgeschlechtliche Partnerschaften”

I always die during such paroxysms of desperation. But life always comes back to me. It comes and fills the body with warmth. Looking at the middle-aged woman with gray hair and two swollen rabbit eyes in the mirror I made a few telephone calls.

I called to biggest Russian press agency with offer to write about Austria. Sacramental question who will pay kills many projects in the root. TASS has no need in freelancers, as correspondents on staff normally cover all range of problems. In Vienna there are only three male journalists who represent all Russian press and provide news about Austria.

It is not easy to get such in house job, as soviet regulations still play significant role in journalism – structure responsible for public opinion. Only well checked persons can get access. These persons will never cross the border.

I also gave two rings to Chef editor of only Russian magazine in Vienna - “Novy Vensky Zhurnal”, who (the lady) on some reason was unwilling talking to me, and to correspondent of other Russian biggest press agency accredited in Vienna. Russian magazine does not pay to authors, and exists exclusively on advertisements. Agency man told me that freelancers had no chance in Vienna either, unless I would succeed with Moscow newspapers. Then I called to APA (Austrian Press Agency) and send job application there again. May be something will go out of it.

Dear Mr. Gusenbauer!
Excuse me for breaking rules and sending you photo with a piece of nudity, but I do not see other way to attract your attention to the point.
I am freelance photographer and journalist, and once you posed for me and other photographers during election campaign in Graz in autumn of 2006. Unfortunately, there were poor light conditions, and since that time, I had no possibility to photograph you again.
Here are a few words about my personal history.
Originally from Kyrgyzstan, I got higher education and worked for many years as journalist for Russian press.

In 2001, I fell in love with Austrian man and moved to Graz, where I resided permanently. Our relation did not last long, but I continued to live in the country and considered Graz to be my hometown. It was hard time, as being not EU-citizen I struggled for survival in Austria between 2001-2007 without work permit.
This way I came to photography! Posing for painters and photographers, I tried to earn for my life.

But my wish to create images, be not only passive object, but individuality, was stronger, so feeling myself happy I started as street photographer in summer of 2006.
I have special passion for spontaneous portrait, feeling sincere interest to humans and manifestations of their characters in front of my lens.
Last year I moved to Vienna seeking ways to earn in event, portrait and street photography. As I wanted to depict our time with all its peculiarities, I started writing non-fiction book about life in Austria, which would include best street and portrait photos.
I would be glad to get any formal permit to attain press conferences and public events, where I could portray you, Mr.Gusenbauer, and also some artifacts of Austrian political reality.
Any assistance and advice is deeply appreciated.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen Galina Toktalieva

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Galina as cleanlady

Do you remember feeling of being hurt?
When you are hurt, you see as if others act on evil free will.
In reality we all have very little of free will.

When analyzing your private history, that could be history of anybody else, you see you were often prisoner of circumstances, gripped by uncontrollable forces, and in natural flow of events you simply did what you were to do.

I already used to write about my life in “Bermuda triangle” of Graz.
Now and then descending from my mansard in the yard – with all these Bermuda cafes and restaurants around, I narrated my story to occasional companions.

Austrians seemed to be very sociable. Once it was talkative bold pensioner with bicycle. Other time - teacher of history who lived downstairs. Small gray-haired astrologer from opposite house volunteered on one occasion to pay for my coffee. All of them were eager to give valuable advice how to overcome extreme situation and survive.

People tend to support common point of view, and except of rare occasions their advice was the same genial idea of newspaper advertisements and cleaning jobs.
From time of my Soviet youth I entertained idea that cleaning as job signalized about embryonic creativity or registered affairs with psychiatry and police.

However, it was the center of Europe, and people around had other opinions on the subject. Nobody of them tried cleaning as profession, but common idea was that foreign woman without special proficiencies was fit for job.

I only wondered how to find employee who would pay for my 25-hours per week of scabbing, if I wanted to make ends meet?

One of my first cleaning experiences was serving in Kebab restaurant in Jakoministrasse.
The owner – dark, short and stout Kurd, who promised to pay 8 euros per hour for assistance, greeted me gravely in the morning.
I saw him in Volkshaus among friends of KPÖ and felt myself defended by ethic of the group. I even made expenses and bought for last 15 euros white blouse, which he told was absolutely necessary for position.

Though hall of restaurant with 10 tables covered by red cloths looked quite decent, the tiny kitchen with broken ventilation system was amazingly dirty. Thick layer of dust and grease covered shelves, oven and walls, two Kurdish men in oily t-shirts were busy around sink full of dark fatty water.

The owner enjoyed bossing others around and demonstrated gloomy ignore and irritability.

In addition, when serving for customers I experienced palette of conflicting and painful feelings.
One thing was to visit restaurant with well-off friend and anticipate nice meal.
Another thing was to stay in the corner like piece of furniture waiting for costumer’s orders.
People treated you then as if were dumb machine or empty space, also because they kept tips in mind.
It was the sort of mortification one needed natural disposition to be accustomed to.
In the end of the day I felt deathly tired : we all worked without break.
It seemed normal that owner did not offer to his workers even a glass of water in midday, though meal was a part of oral agreement.
Next day I was busy with pans and in that very dark greasy water which scared me my gloveless hands soaked.
Repeatedly, I looked at the clock above my head, but arrows did not move- I was in one of dead loops of time.
About 11 o’clock, the last customer left.
I came out of the kitchen on limping feet.
Owner stood with his back to me, counting change.
Then he told I did not need to come next day, because I had not passed through
test.
I felt so exhausted that did not ask for two days wages he did not want to pay. I turned over and left.

Graz lay in front of me. Night air was velvety and warm.
I walked along Herrengasse and looking at the sky felt myself newly born.
It was so exciting to realize I was penniless and…free.

(to be continued)

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(Photo: unrecognized suicide attempt at U3 underground line at 12.15, man with long blond hair jumped down at railways, but changed his mind to die and started to cry; when being pulled back at platform by two passengers, he imitated being sick, dizzy and that he fell down by chance)

Life can be hard, but it gives miraculous presents sometimes.

Once during my extreme conditions survival in Graz I wrote petition to Bundesministerium für Arbeit without particular hope to get reply, as many of my appeals stayed unanswered before.

However, some months later thick letter with blue stamp of ministry arrived, and using it as flag during my next visit to immigration bureau, I unexpectedly reached wonderful results: that very middle-aged lady in Landesregierung, who for a few years aroused deep fear in my soul, unwillingly issued normal time-long visa with access to work market for me.

I literally trembled as a leaf when was to see her before. She demonstrated signs of satisfaction with her unnatural powers over pleading emigrants and always made me to believe there was no escape.

Probably local regulation system she represented wanted to avoid possible complications with upper system representatives. Bureaucratic machine cracked and big wheel of destiny moved forward in my favor.

My euphoric moods brought me immediately to Graz AMS (Job office)
I slept little at night wandering in imaginary gardens of joy. Life suddenly started to look harmonious and purposeful.

It was rather warm spring day, and sticky reception hall occurred to be full of people.
They smelled as untidy cloths, alcohol steams and mood disorder. The turn was going on slowly, and current number on the screen that I could not clearly see and was afraid to miss made me nervous.

At last, I found myself in front of clerk, who was completely absorbed with papers. I passed him my new lovingly looking identification card with pink Austrian eagle and expected manifestation of new miracles.

During process of interrogation clerk never glanced at me, as if trying to spare himself from sight of next bore, only when I retorted I wanted to find any work connected with photography, he lifted his translucent green eyes at me, being obviously amused.

During my next visits, I reached upper floors of building, and discovered that long white corridors of AMS with dark blue quadrates of doors and metallic luminosity of ventilation tubes made me feeling uneasy.

The bag hooks in public WC cabins were removed giving idea that personal of office could well predict reaction of some unemployed to news they could get here.

There were a few computers and internet at the ground floor, and studying faces of people around me, who preferred to look at bare walls instead, I concluded they hardly connected reduction of their life opportunities with their own lack of literacy and initiation, believing that being jobless was only evil fate.

Sensing emanations of hopelessness they produced I recollected words of well-known motivation author Wayne Dyer who was born to poor family but became rich, that poverty is first of all beliefs system.

I could add to the wisdom of motivation father that it was easier to change the form of your own nose sometimes than patterns of your habitual thinking.