Nothing is more tormenting than longevity of empty days, for me and, I guess,  crucial for my future as author, many a time I found myself weeping in the cold kitchen feeling helpless, after pacing the room for hours, weeping because I could not easily express myself – in English. I registered then, that my inner verbal processes, especially during peak experiences, went on in Russian, though for a number of years I tried to bring myself into other language dimensions, excluding almost all information in my mother tongue from outer world: internet, live communications and books, that were too seductive to borrow and so easy to read – to devour one volume per day. Tension in expressing myself in foreign language exists in subtle forms and may cause deviations in meaning of what I am writing about, easiness of finding true words is especially important in writing a nonfiction book. Yesterday I felt myself completely defeated, knowing that my command of foreign language would probably never reach sufficient degree of flexibility. (more…)