That is life
Nothing is more tormenting than longevity of empty days, for me and, I guess, crucial for my future as author, many a time I found myself weeping in the cold kitchen feeling helpless, after pacing the room for hours, weeping because I could not easily express myself – in English. I registered then, that my inner verbal processes, especially during peak experiences, went on in Russian, though for a number of years. I tried to bring myself into other language dimensions, excluding almost all information in my mother tongue from outer world: internet, live communications and books, that were too seductive to borrow and so easy to read – to devour one volume per day. Tension in expressing myself in foreign language exists in subtle forms and may cause deviations in meaning of what I am writing about, easiness of finding true words is especially important in writing a nonfiction book. Yesterday I felt myself completely defeated, knowing that my command of foreign language would probably never reach sufficient degree of flexibility. As always in critical moments, I wished everything would be over for me: suffering of being dissatisfied with myself, poverty, loneliness and humiliation. I move on in Austria exclusively on energy of my inner visions, as I get no encourage or response to my writings, no sign of appreciation, and there is not a single person among small number of my acquaintances, who would say: -Cheer up! I saw your photos, they are damn good. And what you write is really amusing – all about our life in Austria!
Looking back I assume all I have made during last years looks like underground art experiments, which aesthetic values would be never apprehended by somebody. I can celebrate 4 years now since my first amateur website was created, and till now nothing within of my three websites, brought me even one euro, and not a single person contacted me with business proposal. After I deleted nude photos, the popularity of my websites fell significantly, giving idea that people consumed my samples as poor, but free replacement of internet sex-shops. Huge labor that author invests in creation of website serves only to satisfy lower stupid minute needs of occasional internet surfers who have at this particular moment stand on! It was pure heroic mission, reckless generosity. Craziness of downtrodden creative person! What a waste. As if I was standing at the cross road offering myself to anybody for nothing. So whatever expects me in future, thinking not about my destiny, but solely about quality of my writings, I must come back to my native language. Or maybe I would delete all I have done.