Grenzlozes Erdbeerefeld

Moving forward, as I already wrote before its always major part of life nativities unavoidable. Oddly enough all my depressing experiences concentrated in sphere of relations. It is like sado-maso games with your own gastronomic perceptiveness. When being invited to occasional restaurant I am hardly appreciative, though never complain, perceiving product freshness and also hygienic conditions it was cooked in. Far from praising Vienna restaurants. It was not rare case to be ill after dinner together with gent who wanted to get in my pants.

Felt literally ill eating greasy food and necessity to resist male stupidity. I feel innermost layers of humans when communicate, including those who obtain official powerThere are two categories of persons in positions of responsibility: the first are extremely polite and courteous in borders of their offices, the second are nice in and abusive outside. Whenever you meet the speises of the first category (you know them by punctuality and obliging attitudes), you must give up all your prof expectations at the spot. Politeness of functionary is form of rejection and also weapon to put newcomers down. One of them sitting in CEN simply killed me
by his civil emails a few days ago. I experienced episode of reactive depression. If you want to know more how digestive system of bureaucratic organism works start visiting orgs begging for work.

Second category of authority persons are sweet and charming. These ones are dangerous. They do not hesitate to use their position as toolkit for picking strawberries. Maybe you will get sort of self-destructive fulfillment in form of a few sweaty quickies with them, but never ever work or assignments. His initiation for intimacy proves you have nothing to catch here. I had known a few persons of higher power level belonging to this type.

Journalists and photographers, mein Gott, demonstrate too high level of rivalry. If you ask more experienced native journalists for assistance, they would never help. Moreover they would try to convince you
you are no good, and all you do is shit. How you shoot! It is ridiculous! What do you write! Study language first! You dont know who this and that person in Vienna is! Where do you live at the moon?
People can rise their self-esteem only at the expense of others. Not only put others down, but completely annihilate. If it is woman, reduce her till her genital units
more valuable from their point of view than anything she does.

I often feel these dark forces of individuality under superfluous covers of politeness and charm when meet people
Nevertheless life is going on
What to do when cup of bitterness is full? No need to exercise physical violence over your innocent body! Try mental suicide instead. It helps to restore mind babance. Imagine you are already dead and lay there in your bed  may be after stroke or heart attack. Look at your immovable corpse, at wall of your room. Look and listen. You are already dead, but everything around is going on. And world is myserious and beautiful as ever

Galina Toktalieva

Kyrgyzstan-born author residing in Graz, Austria

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