Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
What do lonely women without umbrellas seek tonight
The rain was still coming down in torrents. The same view on the square below with green umbrellas of guesthouse could be seen from my mansard upstairs. But the kitchen I was sitting in now seemed totally unfamiliar to me. I sipped the tea observing self-possessed, but inwardly embarrassed Erich. He played with his tea-spoon, studied his hands, the ash-tray and all objects scattered at surface of table, as if avoiding my glance, and yet in great inner thirst to be watched. I knew if I reach out my hand and touch his unshaved cheek or run my fingers over his gray hair; the story would take other turn. Sudden awareness of my gender powers, hardly gained by price of strained efforts and bitter life experiences, having little in common with my mental traits, but given to me from the start in one pack with female contours, as they may be granted to small gipsy beggar in the street, who knows nothing of the world, but small round orbs of breasts already jump up and down under her shirt – this thought was sweet and sad. Whatever males said and however conquering they might see their role in game between genders, the critical decision of approach was to be made by females.
Erich face kept traces of arrogance and humility at the same time. Like many other males with no wife or girlfriend, thrown on mercy of occasional partner seekers or paid concubines, he hated inexplicable and irrational essence of female nature and he adored their bodies. Fatal loneliness seemed to be written on his high forehead. However strange it was, I often observed such loneliness among representatives of teaching profession, as if meeting people every day could be easily accompanied by social numbness and self defeating communicative strategies. Continue reading “In search of heaven-11″
July 3rd, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, English, Psychology of sexuality |
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Galina Toktalieva for die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
How to make dreams come true? What are secret formulas to get what you want? Galina never stops thinking about it.
If to keep looking at the shining surface of the teapot or at radiating lamp in the kitchen for some time, the channel can open. Not bigger than lid of teapot, this space swirls and sucks me in parallel world. I push myself through tight hole and then dive deep in unknown as dolphin – in such way I merging with my own thoughts. Through time and space, beyond boundaries of personal history, with picture of myself as 85 years old in hospital ward dying from heart failure and as tiny speck of cell in mother womb, which already had access and contained in coded form all future events as well as billion of other probabilities – so I browse the depth of non-local reality.
When I was university student, the materialism philosophy together with party history occupied VIP chairs of our education. We called ourselves materialists, reciting by heart the main principles of matter dominating over consciousness. We repeated postulates as parrots may do it, sincerely convinced it was also our own paradigm of universe. Only twenty years later I was struck numb to discover many of us were idealists in the core.
Nobody can say where thought comes from; it simply appears in the head. Thoughts have material equivalents in world of form, but they powered by parallel reality. This reality is essence of universe creativity, and eventually not less, but more material than the world of form. Continue reading “In search of heaven-10″
July 1st, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, English, literature |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
What is in common between female ruthlessness, communists and migration institutions
The thought was fleeting and elusive as lizard. I chased it, as one can run after wind or rainbow, and caught it holding slick thing tight, but next moment it slipped away giving away the tail as trick of escape. I pinned down these remains – a few helpless words. My mind was up to brims with hundreds of impressions which were too vague and momentary to grasp. If I could convey complete image of my river – that stream of consciousness everybody has, there would be no plot and no story. All stories are not more than forced selections. I could also choose to write in Russian – my mother tongue, and all my contacts are convinced this is the only way to write a story – in your own language. But I don’t know anymore what my language is. I had come through drastic transform of identifications. My mind gradually witnesses expansion of itself beyond national borders. I feel myself launched in cosmos where conventional wisdom doesn’t work anymore and where stripped of my ex-soviet identity I am free to choose language of my preferences as most suitable symbol system to express my thoughts.
My unsatisfying rendezvous with Mangolds was over, and as I still had much place in my stomach, I decided to pay informal visit to ISOP – one of Graz emigration organizations, where one could get consultation and eat something on relatively low price. Continue reading “In search of heaven-9″
June 29th, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, English, Galina Toktalieva |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
To eat or not to eat? A few thoughts about vegi restaurants
Homelessness excited my gastronomic exuberance till unexpected degree, and passing every restaurant with ravishing schnitzel smells, I stopped by doors tormented to rush in and plunge my teeth in huge pierce of meat. The very thought flowed my mouth with juices, and I swallowed convulsively sniffing the air as stray dog. Truth was that all my ancestors were ruthless meat-eaters for ages, and the same predator appetites boiled in my blood when I eyed cutlets or steaks. But my mind was on the guard. Once I witnessed conditions in which pigs were held before being sent to slaughter. It was not that my partial vegetarian attitude was influenced by youngsters who spread politically engaged propaganda about tormented animals on main Graz square. My motivation for food preferences was self preservation. I could see clearly that the meat available in urban conditions may be often impure, when every piece of schweinsbraten brought consumer in contact with all this poor unhealthy obese animal had devoured during its lifetime and also with chemical staff of slaughter horror which poisoned its flesh long before death. Continue reading “In search of heaven-8″
June 27th, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, Business, English |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
Wallet
Early in the morning I strolled toward Graz job office which was situated opposite of best town bordel. Nightclub stood at the corner of the noisy street, in bright sober morning looking more like the fort than the ecstasy harbor, with picturesque paintings and statues above blank façade and narrow bullet-proof door, where nobody could enter without being thoroughly observed. Once before from pure curiosity I studied catalogues of women who used to work here. Faces were as a book. I wanted to know what stood behind their self-destructing or menacingly bizarre activity. Almost every smiling face kept traces of anxiety and devastation under thick layer of makeup.
Meanwhile people who hurried to sneak in job office doors were not less ambiguous. This office used to get telephone bomb threats from time to time. After complete evacuation, police strained to find explosive device, but always in vain. People entering the office this morning looked ordinary, even tedious.
Finding themselves in big hall with reception desk and places for sitting, they settled down spreading vibes of nervousness around. Continue reading “In search of heaven-7″
June 26th, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, English, Galina Toktalieva |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Werner Braun
All what we passionately desire, we already have. At the moment of longing we are connected to object of our wish
Today I got up early to see Vienna sunrise. It was a quarter to four, and heavy boots of newspaper delivery man just tramped down the staircase of our apartment house. In this gloomy hour city lay unexpectedly serene under cloudy sky, and dusty ringlets and angels of mold fondled by tender breeze seemed mysterious in soft morning glow. Echo of my footsteps disturbed doze of old-fashioned yards, and only Cyclopes eye of cathedral clock witnessed for a while my advance along the streets.
Vienna, Vienna! I might be fascinated by secrets your old dwelling houses kept, by elegance of your cafés, by intricate style of salons, by chivalry and euphemism of your courtship, by biblical grandiosity of your art, I might be one of your numerous admirers for ever and enjoy lifestyle of stability of pretense you kindly offered to me – poor nomad at the harbor of new earth. Penniless wanderer, what rolls you on like tuft of tumbleweed along vast spaces of steppe? Ask the clouds above the head which drift to southern regions and Graz. All road signs point in this direction. Eternal nomads, what drives you on? And where your homeland is? Thunderstorm roars in the skies and I hear reply: “It is only where we are loved our home is…”
Continue reading “In search of heaven-6 [Mein Himmel-6]“
June 24th, 2009
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Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, English, Galina Toktalieva |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Werner Braun
Jetzt mit Übersetzung
Only nation of banks and social security, when every idle minute brings you not loss, but gain – enriching automatically at your bank account, could originate such quantity of café idlers
Wherever I walked, my feet, as if against my will resuming old tracks, brought me to place of my former lodgings. I even stepped in vestibule of big house with blue panels, where under the roof there was small sticky room I rented before. My old post box kept the same number and same sticker on it. Narrow staircase window upstairs, from which I used to gaze in the yard, concealed from anybody’s eyes, was open. The area was crammed with restaurants and cafes, and the only place where one seeking piece could dwell looking was patch of sky above and cobblestones below. These stones shone back at me in all numb malice significance of their distant glitter. What was the virtue of restaurants you never visited, joviality you didn’t share and exquisite dishes you couldn’t savor, tantalized by sounds of merriment and odors of good kitchen every day? What was the virtue of being separated from others and erecting dream castles in sticky crammed room, pacing tiny space from one wall to the other for hours? What was the virtue of love song, witch you sang with small shaky voice to cheer yourself up, hardly audible in hum, chanting of wine glasses and drunk vocals of your surroundings? Continue reading “In search of heaven-5 [Mein Himmel-5]“
June 22nd, 2009
Posted by
Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, Deutsch, English, Galina Toktalieva, Werner Braun |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
Photo Galina Toktalieva
About role of words in our life and about phrase “I love you”
Words have magic power. Every word contains infinite possibilities for creation of new reality. When we say “earth”, we call to individual formula associated with word – mental conglomerate of images, accumulated in archives of our memory. We may see patch of black soil in granny’s garden, which we touched, smelled and even licked, when we were a toddler or we see mossy place somewhere in the fields, where we rested last week during secluded walk along the river. Peron with theoretical type of mind may assign concept to position of our planet in Solar system. We use the same words, filled with individual content, corresponding to our characteristics and experiences; the subjective meanings we assign to the words keeps language in fluid form of constant transformation.
It is why the best way to study language is living among native speakers. You learn life and content it may give to words. Continue reading “In search of heaven-4 [Mein Himmel-4]“
June 20th, 2009
Posted by
Galina Toktalieva |
Austrian mentality, Deutsch, English, Galina Toktalieva, Werner Braun |
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Galina Toktalieva for Die Wiener Nachrichten
